liveapathofheart.blog

Category: introspection

  • Ashes to dust

    Heart

    Still

    Hopeful

    Even

    As

    I

    Grind

    The

    Ashes

    Under

    My

    Boot

  • Letting Grief Be

    I’m going through grief. All phases of it, all stages of it; every little morsel is pelting me in the forehead and large chunks sucker punch me in the gut. There is sweet, honest gratitude for the experiences and love that was/is and that I am loosing as well.

    When I have gone through grief in the past it has felt like a truck hitting me. Stabbing pain in my gut and my heart, inability to breathe, inability to function, lots of bed time, lots of time crying. But this time seems different.

    It is definitely not different due to the quality of the loss, let me tell you. The man I am loosing is my favorite man. I would have spent the rest of my days wrapped around him if I could. But its not to be anymore. I’ve never quite gone through this type of thing where I actively love someone yet am not able to be with them anymore, feels like a death.

    Its not been easy either, I don’t want to make it sound like that, but its been a different experience of being with my grief in a way I’ve not been before.

    The difference is that while I have had time where I hurt immensely and felt like I couldn’t breathe, I was able to stay with the feelings, see them as energy, not let them take me over and even to notice that, wow I AM breathing. And cooking and working and running and taking care of my kid! I AM BREATHING! Even in the face of this loss. The energy of the grief is a painful feeling but if I switch the way I think of it as an energy I am being with, as an energy, a necessary moving through. A process that must be witnessed and allowed, then the grief does not take me over and I don’t drown in the tears.

    Some small practices : placing my hands on my heart and my solar plexus, providing holding to myself, because shiz, what I really need right now is HUG! So I’m holding myself.

    When I notice that I am making stories in my head about what the other may be doing or thinking, or feeling confounded about his motives, I am instead, again, turning towards myself, focusing on my heart and the solar plexus which for me is where the pain resides. When I notice I am reaching outward toward him, I am reaching in. I am sending all that longing for my former lover and sending the love I want so desperately to give, to. my. self.

    I am intentionally doing anger and grief release and crying for some time everyday, so that there is an outlet everyday. I have noticed that when I do not consciously release trauma and or grief out of my body with bio energetic exercise like kicking or letting my muscles shake, that it lodges in my body and becomes what begins to feel like depression. I realized this recently when my daughter had a seizure, and I was able to see the feelings solidifying into a depressive feeling from not being released properly!

    It’s important to get support. I am talking about a friend, sponsor or therapist, but I am also talking about touching and holding another human or even a dog or cat if you can. This has become some what hard for us in covid times I know, but do your best. Get a massage if you can. We all need connection.

    Please come and share in a wonderful, awesome retreat with me and my mentor Donna Roe Danielle this coming July 2021 in Taos Ski Valley in the mountains of Northern New Mexico! We are in the early sign up period so you can save some money by signing up now! Sign up before April 1st! Share with you friends and DM me with questions or on the website.

    Rebirthing in Nature in Taos – July 22-25, 2021

  • Being Near to it

    Sometimes the greatest challenge for me has been either living my life in the fear of past traumas or living my life in fear of failure or of incoming reinforcement of my wounds, my negative belief systems and patterns.

    I believe we all have an impetus to heal. There lies a desire within each soul to reach a balance and expression of our soul’s purpose or service to humanity. 

    As we come into these human forms we come into a structured system that layers us with belief systems and wounding, defenses/protectors to cover over our often little child parts or traumatized parts so that we can keep functioning, keep living, survive until we can adult at level that we can heal ourselves, reparent ourselves. 

    It’s a simple beginning to acknowledge that there are layers upon us that need to be known. It’s another step further to learn what is needed to begin to move forward into healing. 

    Our upcoming retreat will help you begin the unraveling, help you get closer to being able to stay in your body and witness your wounds and your fear with compassion in a mindful way.

    Whenever we face confusion, fear, the aftermath of trauma, transitions in our lives, it’s easy to let our habitual fears and patterns take us over and for us to react from those parts of ourselves. And by doing so possibly causing further entrenchment into the very patterns we want to heal. 

    I have been going through a few super distressing things for me and my family recently, so have been watching this process unfold inside me. Feelings of confusion, terror, ungroundedness, not being wanted…super painful sensations in my body related to these emotions.

    Here are some simple things to practice when we have terror, sadness, anger, any big deal emotion really, even LOVE; come up and we find ourselves overcome or almost overcome with the feelings. 

    Stop.

    Take a deep breath, breathe down into your hips, expanding your lower belly,

    Feel your feet on the ground, imagine the grounding resource under your feet and feel roots shooting down as you breathe, feel your sitz bones in your chair, notice your fingertips, feel your breath coming in and out of the tip of your nose whether it is warm or cool. 

    If you can inquire inside, or close your eyes and send your attention and your curiosity inward do so and identify where in your body this big emotion lives. 

    For me it is usually in the solar plexus or heart and it can be a very painful or burning sensation, or it can make me breathe faster, have severe anxiety…

    So just be curious about the sensations, put your two hands on the area of your body you feel the emotions or sensations and just gently hold. 

    I always think about and tell my clients, these are our sweet little wounded parts, how would you treat your children if they were feeling this way? You would hold them, right? Tell them it’s alright, send general care in their direction? 

    So do that for yourselves. Be with the pain or the sadness or anger or the overwhelming loving feelings. Stay right next to them witnessing with compassion and mindfulness. If you hear or see yourself going into the story of the wounding, stay with your breath, just stay with the feelings, allow the feelings to be energy passing through and as you witness them they are allowed to go. Save the processing of the story, which can be valuable to do for sure, for a session with your therapist. 

    Imagine your own sweet heart sending love and compassion, holding and a beingness with the pain or powerful emotion.

    This practice is to keep you present with what is, help you to keep doing the next right thing for your highest good and to help you not be overcome by the past or future. Just let the feelings be what they are; feelings, energy in need of compassionate witnessing. 

    Please join Donna and I on a wonderful wilderness transformation retreat in the mountains of northern New Mexico in Taos Ski Valley, July 22nd-25th 2021! Where we will use our bodies in nature to practice some of these tools and move you into your souls full expression! Lets blow 2020 out of water bring ourselves into life in 2021!

    SAVE MONEY BY REGISTERING IN OUR EARLY BIRD REGISTRATION PERIOD BEFORE APRIL 1ST!

    Click the link below, send me a message or follow me on IG or Facebook!

    IG:heart_of_the_wilderness

    FB: A path of heart

    Rebirthing in Nature in Taos – July 22-25, 2021

  • Earth and Sun

    Trying never to let a day go by without feeling the connection with loving Mother Earth and the light of my own heart.

    I am leaning towards fear, feeling my feet on the ground, breath coming in and out of the tip of my nose and trusting that if I just stay close to my heart, I’m doing the next right thing.

    Uncertainty, terror, faith, pain, I ask: what is here for me to learn?

    I am facilitating a wilderness transformation retreat this coming July 2021 where we will explore and practice these concepts.

    Come learn to be in relationship with yourself, live your best life and have awesome outdoor adventures in the process.

    Rebirthing in Nature in Taos – July 22-25, 2021

    DM me with questions ❤️🙏🏼❤️

    #liveyourbestlife #liveapathofheart #heartofthewilderness #whenthingsfallapart #lovemyhoneygirl #rebirthinginnature #spiritualawakening #spiritualpractice #earthconscious #earthing #light

  • Two Birds

    I write to you of the birds, now paired, singing together in the tree as I pass

    Images that grace my eyes

    Lines, angles, textures, patterns and colors of you.

    Things that come out of your mouth that are mirrors of my fantasy.

    Your tattooed hand as it grazes my thigh

    Words usually cascading onto paper are gone

    Replaced by pure rapturous feelings

    And the desire to climb inside you and live out my days.

    When will you be gone?

    Decide the distance and hearts desire too great?

    If I hold you in my mouth, in my hands, in my eyes will it be enough?

    If I wrap you in my body, in my heart, in my mind?

  • Fly

    And I guess, she thought,

    I am very grateful.

    For She never knew

    She could love that much,

    and in that way.

    So that as she turned her eyes

    once more toward the horizon

    she realized she’d never look elsewhere

    than her own sweet heart again.

  • Passing

    In the evening

    When friends have gone

    The light is perfect and

    The sun is slung low on the horizon reminding you of another day slipping full of you into the night.

    When will you pick up the phone and tell her you love her, that you miss her or him?

    Because another day is going

    Life is passing

    And love is abundant but rarely makes you laugh so.

    And you’re still breathing

    So what do you have to loose?

  • The Blessing

    I’m in a rad weekly women’s group where we get together weekly in Ceremony and grow together. Our assignment this week was to come up with personal blessing for ourselves to say to the part of ourselves that needs unconditional regard, unconditional love. ❤️

    I happen to be having super hard week with my ego and shame and self abandoning behaviors and was feeling kinda dark and at a loss for even how to begin such an assignment.

    I was sitting at Twirl play-space (a kid playground mecca) today in the sun, children playing; ruminating on the deep inexplicable sadness I was feeling in the face of all this sunlight;) the observer in me smiling at my current inability to be present.

    So sitting in that park I just placed my hand on my heart and I heard:

    I am good.

    That made me feel a little better. So I tried again and again; I kept allowing more and before I knew it, this blessing tumbled out. The darkness I realized, abated:

    I am good
    I am worthy of love
    I am worthy of others staying with me
    I am worthy of myself
    I am a creative magical being
    Each cell in my body is a masterful creator
    I am healed
    I am healing
    All I need to do is beam my own unique frequency no more no less
    My hearts capacity is limitless
    I am gratitude
    I am abundant
    I am sane and create ease in my psyche
    I can take care of myself financially
    I am able
    I am healthy

    These blessings are the opposite of some of my core belief structures that have been keeping me stuck, as well as keeping me safe. And I am dismantling them piece by piece.

    Initially the simplicity of “I am good” really spoke to the core of my beliefs about my worthiness to exist in this world. But a close friend, after reading my blessing, sent me a message that called me to the carpet about how I tend to play small. I have a fear that I’m too much sometimes. Don’t get too Big Jennifer! Don’t be tooooo MUCH cause they’ll leave if you’re too much, if you’re too little, if you don’t play at what they want you to be.

    So here is what my friend said that both made me laugh and made me go, “Hey! Yeah!!:

    Griffo: “Dude you’re killing me… just look at you. That should be enough (you). No need to recite hymns. You’re hot fun, not a hot mess. Sexy and alphatastic. So FUCK OFF with the “I’m GOOD”. You’re a fucking badass, bitchin-ass chick. “I am good”… boring!”

    So along with being good enough for myself and worthy enough to myself, I’m going to bless myself that I am HOT-FUN, SEXY and ALPHATASTIC!!

    Thank you, thank you very much!

    ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🙏🏼❤️❤️❤️#gratefulheart #liveapathofheart #worthy #blessingsandlove  #recovery #learningselflove 

     

  • The Teacher

    Man, woman, child

    Has shown me

    Through trial

    The necessity of

    My one HEART.

    And the need to

    Wrench my eyes away

    From looking out

    To the looking in.

    Inside the holding

    Of my heart space is

    Where God meets me,

    Fills me.

    Where I finally find

    The teacher

    Was light all along.

  • Caress

    Long for the days

    when the wind touched my skin

    in a way that was suggestive.

    When the cigarette hanging from my lips

    accompanied me

    when no one else would.

    It was almost dark.

    And jazz played in the background