Heart Gold

It’s really odd knowing that this is the year my Dad is going to die.
He’s in the throes of an alcoholic death from which my sisters and I cannot save him from, and from which he won’t let me save him from.
I feel I’m it doing wrong… I should be there more, be doing more. But… I can’t. My life lately is preventing it. Its kind of a blessing because the man won’t stop drinking, won’t shower, won’t let us help him anyway. And we have been unable to get the healthcare system to help either. So we are just sort of, horribly, angrily at times, numb at times, waiting for him to die.
And I know how bad that sounds.
Do your best not to judge us. There’s a lot of ins and outs and family dynamics in play, and the fact that he just WONT stop drinking, so healthcare people won’t touch him.

I was so fucking mad at him tonight.
My sister called to say that he’s been drinking more, hasn’t showered STILL, it’s been literally months since I found him in bed in his house surround by vodka bottles and human shit and dog shit, food as well. And he still hasn’t showered. After we cleaned all his shit stained clothes and got him out of there to my little sisters house and now it sounds like he’s created the same situation in that location.
So mad.
He’s like a drunk, caged, child-age, dirty animal and I can’t see how this can change.
So my older sister had me call him, because now it’s possible he may have either had a stroke or possibly has a blood clot in his left calf.
So we three way call him. I’m a nurse so I assess the situation. He answers my questions. I give strict instructions on what to do and when to call me but that I can’t come right now as I have the outdoor adventure retreat I’m facilitating next week and I need to get that over with.
He says, “what are you retreating from?!”
I calmly explain “I’m not retreating Dad I’m holding a retreat for other women in the woods.” He says “don’t retreat! You gotta call it something else!”
I say, “well it’s actually called Rebirthing in nature but you probably won’t like that either.”

He says, hysterically laughing now making me laugh cause he’s just loosing it, “ NO NO! Don’t RETREAT! You gotta ATTACK! ATTACK!”.
And it may not be funny to you, but shit I busted up and laughed hysterically with him!
Fuck.
I forgot how funny he is!
As I got off I immediately felt like, WHAM. That was a fucking blessing.
I had a stressful week, month, year… and god, did I need that laugh with my Dad.

It of course broke me right on down.

I sobbed sitting there in my truck.

But I needed that too.

I got to experience a clear piece of my father out of the shitty experience that we are in at the moment.
It made it gold for a minute. And reminded me like, this is LIFE! Right here!
His drinking himself to death IS life.

And even though I am Super tired of being brave, I’m gonna have to keep being brave.
And experience this with him as much as I can before he goes.

I’ve been missing him my whole life and at this time while he’s declining I have felt for the first time that I can be myself with my Dad.
That I can tell him what’s in my heart. Be myself.

That I can finally feel his love, as limited as his capabilities are.

Anyway I just wanted to remember this.

A moment.

When his heart seemed to pierce through the veil to my heart in a joyous way.