liveapathofheart.blog

Tag: live a path of heart

  • Fly

    And I guess, she thought,

    I am very grateful.

    For She never knew

    She could love that much,

    and in that way.

    So that as she turned her eyes

    once more toward the horizon

    she realized she’d never look elsewhere

    than her own sweet heart again.

  • Passing

    In the evening

    When friends have gone

    The light is perfect and

    The sun is slung low on the horizon reminding you of another day slipping full of you into the night.

    When will you pick up the phone and tell her you love her, that you miss her or him?

    Because another day is going

    Life is passing

    And love is abundant but rarely makes you laugh so.

    And you’re still breathing

    So what do you have to loose?

  • The Blessing

    I’m in a rad weekly women’s group where we get together weekly in Ceremony and grow together. Our assignment this week was to come up with personal blessing for ourselves to say to the part of ourselves that needs unconditional regard, unconditional love. ❤️

    I happen to be having super hard week with my ego and shame and self abandoning behaviors and was feeling kinda dark and at a loss for even how to begin such an assignment.

    I was sitting at Twirl play-space (a kid playground mecca) today in the sun, children playing; ruminating on the deep inexplicable sadness I was feeling in the face of all this sunlight;) the observer in me smiling at my current inability to be present.

    So sitting in that park I just placed my hand on my heart and I heard:

    I am good.

    That made me feel a little better. So I tried again and again; I kept allowing more and before I knew it, this blessing tumbled out. The darkness I realized, abated:

    I am good
    I am worthy of love
    I am worthy of others staying with me
    I am worthy of myself
    I am a creative magical being
    Each cell in my body is a masterful creator
    I am healed
    I am healing
    All I need to do is beam my own unique frequency no more no less
    My hearts capacity is limitless
    I am gratitude
    I am abundant
    I am sane and create ease in my psyche
    I can take care of myself financially
    I am able
    I am healthy

    These blessings are the opposite of some of my core belief structures that have been keeping me stuck, as well as keeping me safe. And I am dismantling them piece by piece.

    Initially the simplicity of “I am good” really spoke to the core of my beliefs about my worthiness to exist in this world. But a close friend, after reading my blessing, sent me a message that called me to the carpet about how I tend to play small. I have a fear that I’m too much sometimes. Don’t get too Big Jennifer! Don’t be tooooo MUCH cause they’ll leave if you’re too much, if you’re too little, if you don’t play at what they want you to be.

    So here is what my friend said that both made me laugh and made me go, “Hey! Yeah!!:

    Griffo: “Dude you’re killing me… just look at you. That should be enough (you). No need to recite hymns. You’re hot fun, not a hot mess. Sexy and alphatastic. So FUCK OFF with the “I’m GOOD”. You’re a fucking badass, bitchin-ass chick. “I am good”… boring!”

    So along with being good enough for myself and worthy enough to myself, I’m going to bless myself that I am HOT-FUN, SEXY and ALPHATASTIC!!

    Thank you, thank you very much!

    ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🙏🏼❤️❤️❤️#gratefulheart #liveapathofheart #worthy #blessingsandlove  #recovery #learningselflove 

     

  • The Teacher

    Man, woman, child

    Has shown me

    Through trial

    The necessity of

    My one HEART.

    And the need to

    Wrench my eyes away

    From looking out

    To the looking in.

    Inside the holding

    Of my heart space is

    Where God meets me,

    Fills me.

    Where I finally find

    The teacher

    Was light all along.

  • Caress

    Long for the days

    when the wind touched my skin

    in a way that was suggestive.

    When the cigarette hanging from my lips

    accompanied me

    when no one else would.

    It was almost dark.

    And jazz played in the background

  • The Other

    And she said to him, Tom, love

    Life is long… you have no idea what the

    universe has in store for you.

    Or for me.

    We tip our hats to fate.

    Measure our steps in the sand.

    Breathe the cold air into our lungs and just

    be with what is.

    And we keep reminding each other of this,

    even as we grow older.

    Even as time and the arduous, trudging

    journey threatens to harden our hearts.

    This is why we love each other,

    this reminding each other.

    And he said Jen, love…

    Be soft sweetheart.

    We speak the words and we run with the

    wind.

    Let the universe have you for now and

    Don’t forget.

    That life, it is long… and we know not what

    the other will have in store for us along

    the way.

  • Arrow

    Today I am like an arrow
    Sailing with grace through space
    Heart, held in my hands, riding shotgun 🙏🏼47684280_10155975291901444_4950786614298148864_n

  • Give Thanks

    When the defeating sounds of my mind subside

    After the thoughts stop tumbling all over themselves, I can hear the music again

    I feel my eyes relax in their sockets.

    Ideas, accusations stop firing away in directions that no good will come of

    No more grasping

    I stand

    Heart pulsing

    Lungs breathing

    Maybe or maybe not

    My mind is open, my heart is open

    Light falls on circumstance and my raised hands lift it up and out of me,

    Let it go, fall where it may

    Gratitude replaces wanting desire, I am full already

    Moments of dank emptiness evaporate in the warmth of the divine.

    Give Thanks, give thanks, give thanks 🙏🏼

  • Sweet Ache

    “When the sweet ache of being alive,

    Lodged between who you are

    And who you will be,

    Is awakened,

    Befriend this moment.

    It will guide you.

    Its sweetness is what holds you.

    Its ache is what moves you on.” –Mark Nepo

    I talk a lot with my clients about how most addictions are simply humans looking for an outside answer to an inside problem.

    I’ve had this hole that I’ve always tried to fill with substances, shopping, dating men, adrenaline sports, the glorification of being busy, desire… the list goes on. Anything I can I try to use to fill that void.

    The universe is not having that behavior from me any more and has systematically removed vice by vice from my grip. Until just recently when I am facing what feels like true aloneness, unable to fill this void with food, sex, or dating.

    Still got the sports thank God, but I better be careful and stay in balance with it otherwise I foresee an injury and removal of that outlet too.

    I did ask for this. Since I can remember every wish I wished was simply to be happy. Man has that wish come true! My life is amazing, but with amazing there must sometimes be suffering. (I think the difference now is that I am aware this too shall pass and there is now an underlying ok-ness even in the face of darkness that rarely leaves me now).

    Creator is making me sit in my shit and stew at the moment; it’s a little terrifying. But I’m learning. The practice of transmutation of suffering to light is happening.

    This hole, this woundedness as I’ve come to call it, seems to be the original deep gash dealt when I was a baby (or maybe came into this lifetime with) and that was reinforced as I grew up. It is made up of abandonment, unworthiness, the vision I get when I breathe into the area of my body where I feel the pain well up, in my solar plexus, is that of a baby or small child reaching up to be picked up, screaming for love and not receiving it and that of a little girl being bullied and told she was ugly.

    I am thankful that the therapy modalities I have been studying for the last decade have acquainted me with these parts of myself, over the years I have worked on acknowledging them when I feel suffering related to attachment or abandonment. Recently though I have been fortunate to get really close to these parts and start to begin holding this little girl part of myself when she reaches up for love and holding.

    I have gotten from the inside out on a body and energetic/ emotional level that attachment to outside answers to inside woundeness causes suffering. And it seems giving this little part what no other can give her is the only sane answer, since when ever I let her look to another human for love it causes attachment to outcomes and expectation, and inevitable let down as no one can always live up to those expectations and then: suffering.

    I have gotten some good practice with this lately. I’ve been dating someone who does not live near me and after each interaction I can spend time alone holding myself, providing containment and self love, I can let go of the attachment anew every time I see this person or even after we have conversations.

    To my surprise this does not diminish my caring, in fact when I can adequately take care of myself I feel so free and good that I naturally want to be available to him, to be sweet and good to him.

    I can really see the insanity with which I have been operating in my life thus far previous to having this set of tools to at least TRY to give myself what I so desperately needed without having to demand it from the other. Which is what I always asked partners to do in the past.

    Make me feel you love me, make me feel worthy, make me feel less abandoned.

    It never works, because the original woundedness is still there. Never to be filled by this outside answer.

    (And just FYI, NO ONE is saying I do this perfectly, but the more I love myself the more I realize that I don’t HAVE to fucking do everything perfectly and I am still lovable even if I fuck it up, right?! Right)

    And then when a partner does give love or acceptance, it’s like a bonus. And I can really recive it now. That’s a by product I didn’t realize would happen. Instead of grasping the love and looking for what’s next, I’m able to bathe in it.

    Mark Nepo talks about each of us coming into these existences with a gift and an emptiness. That, part of the aim of living is to find where these two meet.

    I am practicing now falling into the void, into the emptiness. It is scary, terrifying. Logically my brain says to my limbic system that it WILL be ok. There is no actual mortal danger, but my small baby parts equate that void, that emptiness to annihilation or death.

    SO, that is where my gifts come in. My LOVE, my COMPASSION, my CONNECTEDNESS to the DIVINE. By loving these small parts and having compassion through my connection to the divine I am made whole and therefore loveable, truly lovable I hope, to others. And from that place may I be able to truly love others in turn.

    “When we dig a hole or a hole is dug in us, we become preoccupied with all that is unearthed, even try to put all that dirt back, but the empty depth is waiting for us to shine a light in it” –Mark Nepo

  • Salt

    After the fall

    The light no longer beamed in my chest

    I found it harder to channel the light

    Sitting alone, I felt alone rather than full

    Missing the skin touching my own

    Even though it may have not been meant for me.

    In the face of the man I felt as if I was doing it wrong, too much sexuality, not enough sensitivity, not enough words, or at least the right words, came from my mouth.

    Round and round the words came from him making my head spin and it started to dawn on me that I’d done something wrong, blankness, seeing red, flooded by words I was, and this will not do!

    Reminders of times in my life when my big feeling body just could not compute, shut down would happen.

    My truth disappears.

    So now after the skin was here pressing near to mine, the breath was on my neck, fingers on nipples squeezing just right, making me shudder…

    I’ve had to ask it to leave…

    Because I want the light back.

    I’ll wait for the light and the skin to exist together in my house.

    A small sadness abides here now, parts that were weary of wandering alone curl up here on the couch in longing.

    I was almost ready I guess.

    Not quite I guess.

    When the man comes that is filled with light and can offer his darkness as a tool to more light, when he says honey let’s go biking, let’s go for a quick swim.

    When we don’t even have to discuss the fact that each day we must commune with the mountains.

    When there is a man that revels in my powerful sex, that can’t help but grasp my hand and hold me tight, when neither of us can resist feeding each other.

    When the salt of our skin continually mingles…