liveapathofheart.blog

Tag: sadness

  • Fuck that old man, his bottles piled high

    Corrals are empty

    Barn walls are falling down

    His hands are empty

    His mouth though, is full of magical bullshit still

    And that old dog of his is about to die

    But my heart still surrounds him

    And there is nothing I can do about that

    But watch

    Remembering him riding ahead, breaking branches, breaking trail

    Teaching me to be quiet in the mountains, giving me that gift

    Teaching me his magic

    I hold him now where I can

    And I’ll watch him ride off ahead of me into the sunset

    On a horse called alcoholism

  • Rebirthing 101 Part 1: Lean into Grief

    I have gone through a few large transitions involving varying deep levels of grief in the last 6 months.

    I have been watching my processing around it and wanted to share some about leaning towards our grief and transitioning into acceptance, what that can look like, or at least what it looks like for me from a standpoint of the tools I have been implementing around my own healing in this process.

    I want to start by saying that as with all things human there is a continuum, we have have greater or lesser levels of emotional pain, situations that cause grief, so it is not useful to compare our outward experiences, just take what works for you and leave the rest, we all can share in the inner feelings of pain, loss, loneliness, rage, darkness; as well as the light from our hearts that we can bring ourselves and each other in these hard situations; so let us meet there.

    When things fall apart my tendency is to insulate from the pain. If you think about it it’s a total natural way for our systems to handle things. When something punctures our skin, our natural barriers, thereby putting us on high alert for danger, our body sends blood cell warriors to the site of the puncture, and walls off or encapsulates the site in an effort to prevent system wide infection. 

    My initial tendency is to not experience the pain. To push away from it. Pretend it’s not happening. Use sex, shopping, social media addiction, running (I literally try to run away from it, god bless it!), work, and a new one in the last few years…. meditation, ceremony, spiritual practice. 

    But all these behaviors have in common a way that I am trying to change whatever feeling I am having rather than just being with the feeling and actually experiencing it so that it can naturally move through, transmute, and dissipate the emotions out of my body and field. 

    So what’s the answer?

    Lean towards it. Whatever it is. 

    Rage, sadness, even the excitement of love. 

    What I have found is that if I don’t lean towards the feelings , they lodge in my body and turn into stuck feelings. DEPRESSION. 

    I used to feel depression quite often as I was in the habit of never feeling my feelings, always pushing them away in an inability to experience any emotion. So they always settled into a stuckness I began to know well as depression. 

    I really had no idea this was not normal until very recently when I experienced on a body-feeling level the difference in letting emotions process through and also watching what happens when I don’t and the subsequent feelings of stuckness and depressed feelings that follow. 

    How do we lean towards our feelings?

    When we are having big feelings that feel overwhelming or constant, or cyclical/repetitive: 

    ~Focus in on the sensations in your body when you are having the emotions. 

    ~Where is the sensation located in your body, what’s the quality? 

    ~Are there colors, temperatures, visual representation or auditory accompaniment that go along with the emotions? 

    ~Focus and describe these to yourself or if working with a therapist describe them to them.

    Practice this until you can get familiar with this practice, don’t try to change the emotion! Just BE with it. Be with the sensations and whatever is coming up. Try sending some curiosity, some compassion and kindness. 

    Treat yourself and your emotions you would someone you cherish.

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  • Wonderment

    I was musing on my run today about how in wonderment I was having to stop every so often and marvel at the glory of the outdoors.
    It reminded me about gratitude practice. Allowing myself to feel, see, experience and be present with how beautiful the world around us is, is a powerful mindfulness and gratitude practice tool.
    That for which we have gratitude for INCREASES in our lives…
    There is always something amazing about our world and allowing ourselves to LOOK UP and OUT of ourselves, to get out of whatever mind fuck we find ourselves in, is a way to both practice mindfulness, to practice getting out of our heads and into our hearts, and to see that the more we notice beauty the more there is beauty around us.
    Try it.
    And also try more gratitude practice.
    If and when you are stuck in your mind or are in a dark place. Think of something that you can be grateful for. If you can’t think of anything in the moment, then fake it until you make it. Such as “I am grateful for my breath”, “I am grateful for the earth under my feet, that I am not just careening through space, that I have this huge supportive force under me”.
    As you do this you may get micro bits of space that you can breathe into and grow.
    Practice allowing yourself to be grateful for daily wins, for time spent that feels free, for financial spaciousness wherever possible and watch as those things grow as you focus more on the positive and less in lack.
    Come learn more about yourself and see that the only limits are the ones you make in your mind. Come play and have Ceramony with us under a mountainous full moon in beautiful Taos Ski Valley in July 2021.
    Shed your skin, shed your limits by going more within and finding the limitless possibility that is YOU.


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  • Ashes to dust

    Heart

    Still

    Hopeful

    Even

    As

    I

    Grind

    The

    Ashes

    Under

    My

    Boot

  • Passing

    In the evening

    When friends have gone

    The light is perfect and

    The sun is slung low on the horizon reminding you of another day slipping full of you into the night.

    When will you pick up the phone and tell her you love her, that you miss her or him?

    Because another day is going

    Life is passing

    And love is abundant but rarely makes you laugh so.

    And you’re still breathing

    So what do you have to loose?

  • Caress

    Long for the days

    when the wind touched my skin

    in a way that was suggestive.

    When the cigarette hanging from my lips

    accompanied me

    when no one else would.

    It was almost dark.

    And jazz played in the background

  • Salt

    After the fall

    The light no longer beamed in my chest

    I found it harder to channel the light

    Sitting alone, I felt alone rather than full

    Missing the skin touching my own

    Even though it may have not been meant for me.

    In the face of the man I felt as if I was doing it wrong, too much sexuality, not enough sensitivity, not enough words, or at least the right words, came from my mouth.

    Round and round the words came from him making my head spin and it started to dawn on me that I’d done something wrong, blankness, seeing red, flooded by words I was, and this will not do!

    Reminders of times in my life when my big feeling body just could not compute, shut down would happen.

    My truth disappears.

    So now after the skin was here pressing near to mine, the breath was on my neck, fingers on nipples squeezing just right, making me shudder…

    I’ve had to ask it to leave…

    Because I want the light back.

    I’ll wait for the light and the skin to exist together in my house.

    A small sadness abides here now, parts that were weary of wandering alone curl up here on the couch in longing.

    I was almost ready I guess.

    Not quite I guess.

    When the man comes that is filled with light and can offer his darkness as a tool to more light, when he says honey let’s go biking, let’s go for a quick swim.

    When we don’t even have to discuss the fact that each day we must commune with the mountains.

    When there is a man that revels in my powerful sex, that can’t help but grasp my hand and hold me tight, when neither of us can resist feeding each other.

    When the salt of our skin continually mingles…