liveapathofheart.blog

Tag: universe

  • Beginning Death

    Beginning Death

    I’ve been building a relationship with death.

    I work as a clinical director at a local hospice. I am an RN.

    I began this work on the heels of a few colleagues and friends dying and also just after my father died in Sep 2023. In the years prior to my father dying I also underwent many personal mini deaths. Deaths of parts of my ego structure, belief systems and emotional pattering that I healed and integrated into myself, thus falling away. All of this set me up to come into this hospice work and begin to build this relationship I am evaluating and exploring with death. 

    There is a way I feel that I close off connection with others when its too taxing or doesn’t serve me. This is the result of recent exploration of boundaries, new boundaries, so they may be getting out of hand. So I am noticing that now that I know I can set boundaries, maybe I need to reengage with others try for more connection knowing I can hold boundaries in place if I need to and keep myself safe. 

    This is coming up right now because I’ve been building this conversation with death, which seems to be at the base of all my of fears and terror: that I’m going to die.

    I’ve also been watching this show called, “Dying for Sex” in which we watch a woman and her best friend navigate the woman’s death from cancer and her desire to self actualize using sex before she does so. It also shows the profound love between two friends. 

    There is an interesting scene where a hospice nurse explains death and dying to them in a really quirky and explicit way. 

    I don’t do this often in hospice with my clients. Even though I perceive myself as being able to hold a lot of vulnerability in my life and profession, maybe I am stunted a bit in my capacity to really support clients in the time before death but not being super open about what is going to happen to them and openly volunteering that information. It made me wonder, does my fear of engulfment from others strong emotions prevent me from going deep with people? Do other hospice nurses do this?

    I was on a date yesterday and the man was a wonderful human, but was physically not compatible for me. We elected to continue our day long date even though there was uncertainty about compatibility. I noticed that once I identified he wasn’t a fit for me I totally shut down and went numb. Severing energetically the connection. 

    He commented on his feelings in his body, and in response to this asked me to connect more. 

    I identified that I had trust issues about men not really wanting to be friends with me but only wanting to keep me around because they like my energy and maybe want to fuck me. So I just was planning on cutting this guy out of my life as extraneous and not being it as an opportunity to lean into the potential connection as friends or colleagues. Underlying this pattern is trust. And fear of engulfment, fear of doing the wrong thing, of moving too fast and of falling in love with someone that is not right for me. And thus having pain and suffering which under that is fear of abandonment and death. 

    When I identified all this and spoke about it with him, the numbness lifted. The weirdness lifted. He said he then was able to feel connected. And we had a really nice time despite not being the right fit as romantic partners. 

    So I am wondering, how do keep myself safe and dive deep into connection without it making me feel engulfed and exhausted and worrying I will die?

    Can I expand my capacity with my clients and hold more vulnerability with them and more openness such as the TV nurse?

    Can men and women be friends? 

    Can I ask the numbness to move aside to enable more connection and thus love in my life?

    Can I stop seeing romantic love as the only love that will fill the hole?

    I feel as if I am asking death to teach me this. I don’t know how to explain that connection but it’s there for me. 

  • Press

    One of those moments

    when all is poignant,

    the whole experience

    presses into my skin.

  • Weekly Planetary Connection Meditation

    I’ve been feeling called to hold in person meditations on holding our whole planet in love.

    Below is the meditation that has come through me for this purpose.

    If you are near Taos, NM please come! I’ll place my IG link in my bio. But if not, please take some time to practice meditation. And share it with friends.

    Thank you 🙏🏼

    Arrive to this place.

    Feel your sits bones on the ground.

    Breathe down into your hips.

    Feel the breath coming in and out of the tip of your nose, whether it’s warm or cool.

    I invite now, our guides and all of our ancestors and the spirits and energies of this land, past and present to come be with us now for our and the planet’s highest good.

    I ask for all of our energy to be brought back to us now cutting and clearing ties that no longer need to be there.

    Clearing agreements and belief systems and patterns that no longer serve us, clearing that energy as it comes back to us, so that we can be here now in our fullest divinity in service to our planet and to each other.

    Now I’d like you to imagine a great golden orb, up above your head. This giant golden orbs originates from whatever divine source it is that you identify with.

    On your in breath, I’d like to see this light filling you, washing through all of your cells, filling you up until you’re positively plump with this divine healing light.

    If there are any particular areas of disease in your body, go ahead and place a hand there and see more of that light filling that area and some curiosity and some compassion and some love to those areas to bring them back into balance.

    See yourself well, see yourself in balance. See yourself happy and able to provide love to this planet and its inhabitants.

    Breathe into your heart

    Now imagine and see this light swelling your heart, feel this, feel your heart.

    What do you notice?

    On the in breath, please see your heart expand bigger and bigger, and the out breath bring it back down into your chest, bigger and smaller with the in breath and out breath, bringing it in and out.

    How big can you make it?

    Now start allowing it to stay big and to get bigger.

    Imagine your beautiful heart is holding your neighbor next to you.

    Imagine you can hold all the people around you.

    Imagine the whole town, the county, New Mexico.

    Do you have someone out of state? You can include them now.

    Let’s keep expanding.

    Think about those populations across the globe, about the mothers, the children in war torn regions.

    Gaza, Ukraine, Africa.

    Notice, does it hurt?

    Your heart can contain that too.

    Don’t look away, your heart has the capacity to hold and transmute the hurt.

    Can you include the aggressors?

    Can you include the ones, the groups, who are not in touch with their souls divinity? With their hearts?

    Can you hold that as well?

    Breathe in and out.

    Hold your heart.

    Hold all these populations of struggling humans.

    Let’s include the planet.

    We are still breathing in divine light and love from our giant golden orb, from divine source.

    We are not creating this light, we are connected to all that is.

    See this light filling you and then also see you are also connected to the grid of the planet.

    To all that is.

    Feel our amazing mother, this pulsing, living entity.

    Feel it under you, around you.

    Feel that your heart is connected to all things and hold the whole planet and all those humans.

    Send your love.

    Breathe with us

    Send your love.

    See Israel, see Palestine. s

    See that the ground beneath them is the same.

    Send your love.

    See the love of the planet reaching these hearts, see them waking up to their own divinity.

    Our whole planet.

    You can.

    You can do this.

    Your heart was made for this.

    Send your wish for our connectedness.

    Now begin to bring yourself back, knowing that you are always connected to all that is.

    In your highest good, bring yourself back.

    Breathe this golden light and love in through the top of your head and down through your crown, your third eye, your throat, make some noise on your out breath if you’d like to.

    Breathe this light down into your heart.

    See congruency, see healing for yourself.

    Breathe down into your solar plexus,

    Your womb, whether you are male or female breathe light into this space.

    And breathe down into your root.

    Feel yourself rooted into the Earth while you are simultaneously connected to the divine and all that is.

    Breathing through the top of your head and into the Earth, feel your sit bones.

    Feel your feet.

    Flex your ankles.

    We will make the sounds of three ohms with the intention that we are clearing and elevating the vibration of all.

    Breathe in Gathering the light : Ohmmm

    Breathe in Gathering the light : ohmmm

    Breathe in gathering the light: ohmmm

    So it is.

    Thank you for your service to humanity and our planet

  • Fuck that old man, his bottles piled high

    Corrals are empty

    Barn walls are falling down

    His hands are empty

    His mouth though, is full of magical bullshit still

    And that old dog of his is about to die

    But my heart still surrounds him

    And there is nothing I can do about that

    But watch

    Remembering him riding ahead, breaking branches, breaking trail

    Teaching me to be quiet in the mountains, giving me that gift

    Teaching me his magic

    I hold him now where I can

    And I’ll watch him ride off ahead of me into the sunset

    On a horse called alcoholism

  • Wonderment

    I was musing on my run today about how in wonderment I was having to stop every so often and marvel at the glory of the outdoors.
    It reminded me about gratitude practice. Allowing myself to feel, see, experience and be present with how beautiful the world around us is, is a powerful mindfulness and gratitude practice tool.
    That for which we have gratitude for INCREASES in our lives…
    There is always something amazing about our world and allowing ourselves to LOOK UP and OUT of ourselves, to get out of whatever mind fuck we find ourselves in, is a way to both practice mindfulness, to practice getting out of our heads and into our hearts, and to see that the more we notice beauty the more there is beauty around us.
    Try it.
    And also try more gratitude practice.
    If and when you are stuck in your mind or are in a dark place. Think of something that you can be grateful for. If you can’t think of anything in the moment, then fake it until you make it. Such as “I am grateful for my breath”, “I am grateful for the earth under my feet, that I am not just careening through space, that I have this huge supportive force under me”.
    As you do this you may get micro bits of space that you can breathe into and grow.
    Practice allowing yourself to be grateful for daily wins, for time spent that feels free, for financial spaciousness wherever possible and watch as those things grow as you focus more on the positive and less in lack.
    Come learn more about yourself and see that the only limits are the ones you make in your mind. Come play and have Ceramony with us under a mountainous full moon in beautiful Taos Ski Valley in July 2021.
    Shed your skin, shed your limits by going more within and finding the limitless possibility that is YOU.


    Sign up now for our Rebirthing in Nature Glamping Retreat in Taos Ski Valley and save $250 by registering now during our early sign up period before April 1st.
    See the link in my Bio and DM me with questions!!

    Come find out. Come to the wild with me!
    https://women-in-transformation.com/product/rebirthing-in-nature-in-taos-july-22-25-2021/

  • Ashes to dust

    Heart

    Still

    Hopeful

    Even

    As

    I

    Grind

    The

    Ashes

    Under

    My

    Boot

  • Fly

    And I guess, she thought,

    I am very grateful.

    For She never knew

    She could love that much,

    and in that way.

    So that as she turned her eyes

    once more toward the horizon

    she realized she’d never look elsewhere

    than her own sweet heart again.

  • The Teacher

    Man, woman, child

    Has shown me

    Through trial

    The necessity of

    My one HEART.

    And the need to

    Wrench my eyes away

    From looking out

    To the looking in.

    Inside the holding

    Of my heart space is

    Where God meets me,

    Fills me.

    Where I finally find

    The teacher

    Was light all along.

  • The Other

    And she said to him, Tom, love

    Life is long… you have no idea what the

    universe has in store for you.

    Or for me.

    We tip our hats to fate.

    Measure our steps in the sand.

    Breathe the cold air into our lungs and just

    be with what is.

    And we keep reminding each other of this,

    even as we grow older.

    Even as time and the arduous, trudging

    journey threatens to harden our hearts.

    This is why we love each other,

    this reminding each other.

    And he said Jen, love…

    Be soft sweetheart.

    We speak the words and we run with the

    wind.

    Let the universe have you for now and

    Don’t forget.

    That life, it is long… and we know not what

    the other will have in store for us along

    the way.

  • Sweet Ache

    “When the sweet ache of being alive,

    Lodged between who you are

    And who you will be,

    Is awakened,

    Befriend this moment.

    It will guide you.

    Its sweetness is what holds you.

    Its ache is what moves you on.” –Mark Nepo

    I talk a lot with my clients about how most addictions are simply humans looking for an outside answer to an inside problem.

    I’ve had this hole that I’ve always tried to fill with substances, shopping, dating men, adrenaline sports, the glorification of being busy, desire… the list goes on. Anything I can I try to use to fill that void.

    The universe is not having that behavior from me any more and has systematically removed vice by vice from my grip. Until just recently when I am facing what feels like true aloneness, unable to fill this void with food, sex, or dating.

    Still got the sports thank God, but I better be careful and stay in balance with it otherwise I foresee an injury and removal of that outlet too.

    I did ask for this. Since I can remember every wish I wished was simply to be happy. Man has that wish come true! My life is amazing, but with amazing there must sometimes be suffering. (I think the difference now is that I am aware this too shall pass and there is now an underlying ok-ness even in the face of darkness that rarely leaves me now).

    Creator is making me sit in my shit and stew at the moment; it’s a little terrifying. But I’m learning. The practice of transmutation of suffering to light is happening.

    This hole, this woundedness as I’ve come to call it, seems to be the original deep gash dealt when I was a baby (or maybe came into this lifetime with) and that was reinforced as I grew up. It is made up of abandonment, unworthiness, the vision I get when I breathe into the area of my body where I feel the pain well up, in my solar plexus, is that of a baby or small child reaching up to be picked up, screaming for love and not receiving it and that of a little girl being bullied and told she was ugly.

    I am thankful that the therapy modalities I have been studying for the last decade have acquainted me with these parts of myself, over the years I have worked on acknowledging them when I feel suffering related to attachment or abandonment. Recently though I have been fortunate to get really close to these parts and start to begin holding this little girl part of myself when she reaches up for love and holding.

    I have gotten from the inside out on a body and energetic/ emotional level that attachment to outside answers to inside woundeness causes suffering. And it seems giving this little part what no other can give her is the only sane answer, since when ever I let her look to another human for love it causes attachment to outcomes and expectation, and inevitable let down as no one can always live up to those expectations and then: suffering.

    I have gotten some good practice with this lately. I’ve been dating someone who does not live near me and after each interaction I can spend time alone holding myself, providing containment and self love, I can let go of the attachment anew every time I see this person or even after we have conversations.

    To my surprise this does not diminish my caring, in fact when I can adequately take care of myself I feel so free and good that I naturally want to be available to him, to be sweet and good to him.

    I can really see the insanity with which I have been operating in my life thus far previous to having this set of tools to at least TRY to give myself what I so desperately needed without having to demand it from the other. Which is what I always asked partners to do in the past.

    Make me feel you love me, make me feel worthy, make me feel less abandoned.

    It never works, because the original woundedness is still there. Never to be filled by this outside answer.

    (And just FYI, NO ONE is saying I do this perfectly, but the more I love myself the more I realize that I don’t HAVE to fucking do everything perfectly and I am still lovable even if I fuck it up, right?! Right)

    And then when a partner does give love or acceptance, it’s like a bonus. And I can really recive it now. That’s a by product I didn’t realize would happen. Instead of grasping the love and looking for what’s next, I’m able to bathe in it.

    Mark Nepo talks about each of us coming into these existences with a gift and an emptiness. That, part of the aim of living is to find where these two meet.

    I am practicing now falling into the void, into the emptiness. It is scary, terrifying. Logically my brain says to my limbic system that it WILL be ok. There is no actual mortal danger, but my small baby parts equate that void, that emptiness to annihilation or death.

    SO, that is where my gifts come in. My LOVE, my COMPASSION, my CONNECTEDNESS to the DIVINE. By loving these small parts and having compassion through my connection to the divine I am made whole and therefore loveable, truly lovable I hope, to others. And from that place may I be able to truly love others in turn.

    “When we dig a hole or a hole is dug in us, we become preoccupied with all that is unearthed, even try to put all that dirt back, but the empty depth is waiting for us to shine a light in it” –Mark Nepo